Most of my mind today has been taken up with trying to decide whether or not to take an apartment slightly out of my budget range. It's beautiful, and perfect, and just barely too expensive. It's got a charming roommate with a darling cat. It looks like a home, not an apartment. And I keep telling myself I will take the plunge and do it, and then I remember that I really need to be taking voice lessons, and maybe organ lessons, and ideally Alexander Technique lessons, and that I'm still in a place where music is likely to cost more than it pays, and then I feel that I can't go forward with it.
This is all made harder by the fact that I feel that I got this degree, and now I somehow am not managing to do anything with it. It's very hard not to feel that the only explanation is that I haven't tried hard enough. I have classmates with music jobs (in fact, I can't think of someone in the program with me that doesn't have a music job) but here I am wondering if I should go back into tech support to pay off student loans. This feeling of "failing to be a musician" is common, I know - I've talked with friends about it - but that doesn't make it particularly easier to handle.